Funniest Tweets Contest

Funniest Tweets of 2011

by Joy Powers on January 3, 2012

Twice a month, we scour the Internet (okay, mostly @BestAt and WitStream) in search of funny Tweets to include in the Spark Notes* newsletter. In no particular order, here are 21 of our favorites from last year. Enjoy!

“Are you gonna finish that cough drop in the ash tray?”

@FilthyRichmond
Jocelyn Plums

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“I may be a bit rusty, but if the world ever needs me to climb into a triangle and shoot asteroids, I’m ready.”

@badbanana
Tim Siedell

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“If anyone’s interested, I’ll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm until I’m removed by security.”

@bridger_w
Bridger Winegar

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Smelling one of my farts has to kill at least 10 thousand brain cells. My dog doesn’t even know how to bark anymore.”

@TequilaTears
Marcello Mozzarella

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Girls will eat at least seven pounds of lipstick in their lifetime. Not so shocking when you find out we put it on toast.”

@RobinMcCauley
Robin McCauley

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“I wish someone would hurry up and marry me so I can go ahead and get fat.”

@LaurenRP
LaurenRP

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“There’s a looong list of rules if you want to get into Heaven. Typical gated community.”

@DanaJGould
Dana Gould

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Ever been so drunk that you cooked a pizza at 20 degrees for 350 minutes?”

@Coastiefish
Matt Smith

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Hey auto correct, quit tampering with my curse words, you mother forklift.”

@PimpBillClinton
Bill Clinton

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“I’d buy the new Fiat RIGHT NOW if they changed their ad slogan to ‘Who Fiated?'”

@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Upon further consideration, ‘Gillette: The best a man can get’ is an incredibly depressing thought.”

@juliussharpe
Julius Sharpe

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Crayons are a lot like M & M’s, all the colors taste the same.”

@superduperkewl
brendan reynolds

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Ha! Major typo on page 28 of the new iTunes agreement. Anyone else catch that?”

@guyendorekaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“I don’t want to sound like a badass but… I eject my USB without removing it safely.”

@howtogeek
Lowell Heddings

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Did you ever notice how Super Congress and bumbling mild-mannered regular Congress are never seen in the same room together?”

@wadetoblack
Wade

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“According to Weight Watchers’ point system, I have the high score.”

@toddmarrone
Todd Marrone

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“There’s always a point on my drive home where I think ‘this is probably good enough. I’ll just live here.'”

@shelbyfero
shelby fero

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“I can’t stand it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.”

@clarkekant
Clarke Kant

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Adults never get excited anymore about how big I got since they last saw me :(“

@MrsRupertPupkin
Lauren Caltagirone

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Just farted on a wood chair in public but thankfully no one heard it because I have my earbuds in.”

@KellyOxford
Kelly Oxford

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“My biggest weakness as an employee? I didn’t actually show up for the interview and am talking to myself in the mirror right now.”

@JillMorris
Jill Morris

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I know there are many other funny Tweets from last year that I missed. Please feel free to share your favorites with us in the comments.

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Stock vector of the birds courtesy of Shutterstock
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

burthermanNo Gravatar January 4, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Hi David: Have you tried using Storify for these posts? It would make it easier and the Tweets would also be interactive.

David SparkNo Gravatar January 4, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Actually Joy wrote this, and yes we've used Storify before, but unless I've got the exact link to the tweet, Storify won't find a tweet more than two weeks old. Some of these are months old.

BarbaraNo Gravatar January 4, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Thanks for the smiles.

burthermanNo Gravatar January 5, 2012 at 2:07 am

Understood, you can use our Storypad to save things when you see them or track them down on Twitter. You can also use our bookmarklet or Chrome plugin on Topsy to find older Tweets

Jill Morris January 25, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Thanks for putting my tweet on here! Just saw this.

Andrew fultonNo Gravatar January 27, 2012 at 4:14 am

Seems to be the great fun with the tweets as people can think much beyond any conviction to have their views get going. All tweets seems to be mind blowing!

AndrewFulton

GuestNo Gravatar June 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I hate it how a laptop has a ‘hibernate’. Its not a flamin’ hedgehog!

Tarkaa Moses KatorNo Gravatar July 23, 2015 at 5:37 am

And I’m stealing it right now.

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