Funniest Tweets Contest

Funniest Tweets of 2011

by Joy Powers on January 3, 2012

Twice a month, we scour the Internet (okay, mostly @BestAt and WitStream) in search of funny Tweets to include in the Spark Notes* newsletter. In no particular order, here are 21 of our favorites from last year. Enjoy!

“Are you gonna finish that cough drop in the ash tray?”

@FilthyRichmond
Jocelyn Plums

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“I may be a bit rusty, but if the world ever needs me to climb into a triangle and shoot asteroids, I’m ready.”

@badbanana
Tim Siedell

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“If anyone’s interested, I’ll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm until I’m removed by security.”

@bridger_w
Bridger Winegar

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Smelling one of my farts has to kill at least 10 thousand brain cells. My dog doesn’t even know how to bark anymore.”

@TequilaTears
Marcello Mozzarella

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Girls will eat at least seven pounds of lipstick in their lifetime. Not so shocking when you find out we put it on toast.”

@RobinMcCauley
Robin McCauley

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“I wish someone would hurry up and marry me so I can go ahead and get fat.”

@LaurenRP
LaurenRP

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“There’s a looong list of rules if you want to get into Heaven. Typical gated community.”

@DanaJGould
Dana Gould

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Ever been so drunk that you cooked a pizza at 20 degrees for 350 minutes?”

@Coastiefish
Matt Smith

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Hey auto correct, quit tampering with my curse words, you mother forklift.”

@PimpBillClinton
Bill Clinton

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“I’d buy the new Fiat RIGHT NOW if they changed their ad slogan to ‘Who Fiated?'”

@morgan_murphy
Morgan Murphy

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Upon further consideration, ‘Gillette: The best a man can get’ is an incredibly depressing thought.”

@juliussharpe
Julius Sharpe

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Crayons are a lot like M & M’s, all the colors taste the same.”

@superduperkewl
brendan reynolds

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Ha! Major typo on page 28 of the new iTunes agreement. Anyone else catch that?”

@guyendorekaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“I don’t want to sound like a badass but… I eject my USB without removing it safely.”

@howtogeek
Lowell Heddings

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Did you ever notice how Super Congress and bumbling mild-mannered regular Congress are never seen in the same room together?”

@wadetoblack
Wade

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“According to Weight Watchers’ point system, I have the high score.”

@toddmarrone
Todd Marrone

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“There’s always a point on my drive home where I think ‘this is probably good enough. I’ll just live here.'”

@shelbyfero
shelby fero

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“I can’t stand it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.”

@clarkekant
Clarke Kant

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Adults never get excited anymore about how big I got since they last saw me :(“

@MrsRupertPupkin
Lauren Caltagirone

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“Just farted on a wood chair in public but thankfully no one heard it because I have my earbuds in.”

@KellyOxford
Kelly Oxford

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

“My biggest weakness as an employee? I didn’t actually show up for the interview and am talking to myself in the mirror right now.”

@JillMorris
Jill Morris

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

I know there are many other funny Tweets from last year that I missed. Please feel free to share your favorites with us in the comments.

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Stock vector of the birds courtesy of Shutterstock
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